i need to get out more...

looks like we need to get stationed out west...however i would be happy with South Carolina, or Georgia. :)

a cluster of subjects.

I'm going to just go a head and apologize a head of time if none of this makes ANY sense. I've had so much on my mind lately but when I come to write about it, it's like a draw a blank. I'm sure I'll probably jump topics a lot, so I'm sorry. 

Let me just start with this...I'm SO sick of this stupid BCT thing. I hate that I have to spend so much time away from someone who I just married.  I know that God called him to do this, and I commend him for listening to him, but sometimes I just want to scream. I hate not being able to share what the day brought for me with him. I mean I do share it with him, in letters, but i still don't have a stinking address for him, so by the time he gets the letter, it won't really matter much anymore.  I hate that he's missing out on things that Corbin is doing. I want him here to help me raise him...Not that Corbin's biological father is absent, he just doesn't have rules at his fathers house, and we do. I know he's only been gone 2 weeks, but this i just really aggravating...I'm sure I'll learn how to deal with it. 

Another rant I have is now on top of not being able to talk to my husband is now I'll have to take Corbin's father to court over something that should be SO easy. We're trying to figure out what's best for Corbin when it comes to visitation when we leave. We can completely agree on his age now...it's when we get to about age 5 is where we can't agree on anything. He wants to keep him for school, and me spend holidays, and summer/winter/spring breaks with him. But he has no reasons why he would be better fit for him. I want him during school because I'll have the luxury of being a stay at home mom, so I can take Corbin to school, pick him up, or just even be at home when he gets off the school bus. I'll be there to help with homework, and even cook him a real dinner. Bobby's schedule is SO crazy that some days he works 8-5 one day and then 1-10 the next day. Which works out good for him right now because that means he'll get to keep Corbin from 5pm to 12pm the next day. But what does that mean for Corbin when he starts school? I know what that means. He'll have to have someone take corbin to school and pick him up when he works 8-5 (Because he lives in the city, there are no buss' to pick kids up and take them to school. They either walk to the closest school and shuttle to their school, or their parents drop them off). Then when he comes home, he'll be so "drained" from work that he'll barely have time to help him with his homework, and then for dinner, a frozen pizza. I was with him for 3 years, let me tell you, he rarely cooks anything that's not frozen. And when he works from 1-10, that means that he'll not be able to see Corbin until the next morning...providing that he doesn't have to be at work at 7am. How is that best for Corbin? Someone else will be raising my baby...it won't even be his father.  I know that he feels it's unfair for me to keep him all that time,  but I honestly think it's in Corbin's best interest if I have him for school...am I crazy? Does it make sense to anyone else? 

On to happier topics:

I've been given the OK to get off my birth control, so Stephen and I can try for a baby :) The more I think about it, the more excited, and nervous I get. I just want it t be the right time...I have a few months to pray about it. 

I am FINALLY down to 1 job...and it's NEVER felt soo good to have just one job! I'm feeling a lot less stressed out about everything, and that also means that  I can spend more time with Corbin! Another good thing that has to do with Corbie are his most recent dr. appts. His follow up with the ear, nose and throat  doctor went well. His tubes are still in there, and I think their shocked about that, since ha had his surgery Sept 2010. But we go back in June to see if they're still there. And we finally got Corbin well enough to schedule his 2 yr well visit. He's growing well, and he's almost 30 lbs now! haha The only thing he's concerned about is his speech development. He says a lot of words, but not many sentences. We're assuming it's because he didn't talk before he had tubes.I got him some neat workbooks yesterday, and he's already picked up the word circle and triangle. So I hope things keep going this way...


Thanks for listening to me rant...Sorry if I seem like a debbie downer right now...Those of you who know me, know I'm not typically like this.

Things weighing heavy on my heart.

So there have been a lot of things that have been going on lately...

Still haven't heard from Stephen. I hate not knowing how he's doing or even what he's doing. I hate not having him here with me at night.  And worst of all, I hate that he can't come to church with me. I'm glad he can attend church, but I think being alone at church is the worst feeling ever. I also can't stop thinking about what's going to happen. Some people say he'll be able to change his MOS, and others don't think so.  Another thing I think about is having a child right away. I'm all for it, but what if it's not that easy. I go to the doctor on the 28th, so we'll see I guess. I'm afraid that with the extra 8 lbs or so that I need to lose, on top of my chiropractor telling me that the vertebrate that is broken causes infertility I'm just so stressed. Another thing is Corbin. He's being completely amazing since Stephen's been gone. He's saying so much, and I hate that Stephen's missing it. Shoot, even his biological father is missing it. I can't wait to see him in the shirt Stephen got him :) 

I can't think for some reason, and I can't even keep my eyes open..I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense.

Updates.

I know it's been a few days since I've written, and there are some good reasons behind that...Lets start with Sunday. I got a phone call from him and I was pretty ecstatic until I heard him crying. Then I went into panic mode. I thought he was hurt. Turns out that the Lord had something weighing heavy on his heart, and it made him second guess the decision he made to join. I didn't have a lot of time to try and calm him down, so I let him get it all out while he could. All he kept saying was "I don't want to kill people. I don't want to do this"  All I could think about was what are we going to do? We just bought my wedding set in October...and we're DEF still paying on that...and we just bought a new car in January. We basically planned our lives out around him being in the military, and here it was about to come crashing down. I immediately got a hold of Kate *she's a life saver!* and she educated me as to what would happen, and assured me that he was probably just getting cold feet, not to worry.  He didn't call me on Monday which was SO stressful, but I just kept praying for him like always, and of course God always pulls through! I got a phone call today, and I swear to you that God is working wonders in my life, in our life right now, because he had went from an anxiety ridden man to smooth sailing. He had done a complete 180 since Sunday. I told him that I had prayed for his strength to get through this, and he had felt so much better. I'm definitely with out a doubt giving all credit to God and prayer on that one! Anyways, he's informed me he's staying! He wants to try and change his MOS (his job) to be a chaplain's assistant. And then further his education and become a chaplain. I'm SO proud of him! I whole heartily believe that God put the anxiety on Stephen because he chose the wrong MOS. He was good, and obeyed God by joining in the first place, but he wasn't listening and picked the wrong job...but it's okay, we're hoping to get it fixed. We talked for about 10 minutes. And within that 10 minutes we've decided that when he's all done with AIT that we're going to try and have a baby! :)  I've already called my OB for a consultation to make sure that I'm healthy enough. I'm almost down to my "ideal" weight according to the dr. I think I just need to lose another 8 lbs. 


I can't wait for thursday! Jordie and I are making Red Friday t-shirts :) I'm pretty sure their going to turn out amazing (Only because she's crafty, and well...I'm....not.) I'll try to figure out how to post pictures. if  I can figure it out. 


I'd love to write more, but i'm so sleepy i'm going cross eyed! 

Thanks for reading....God Bless

Biggest loser update

So this is day 3 into the biggest loser challenge with Kim, Jordan and me. On Friday when I weighed in, I was at 166lbs. I weighed in this am, just for giggles and I'm at 158. What I did with 8 lbs, I have no idea. And honestly I haven't watched what I ate or anything. However, I haven't been eating as much...Just when I'm hungry, so sometimes I only eat twice a day, and I eat until I'm full, and thats it.  I know that it's not healthy to do what I'm doing, but when I eat like normal it just makes me sick. As the girls on the Army wives forum say, I'm on the depression diet. If I can get to 150, I'll be happy. 145 and I'll be ecstatic! Any less than that and I'll look anorexic...hah

just another song.

here is one of stephen's absolute favorite christian songs. They keep playing it on our local station...so i can't help but think of him.

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sanctus-real-lyrics/lead-me-lyrics.html]
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Today has been THE best day so far!

So today started out like any other...woke up late, showered quickly, had a meeting at work....meeting was boring...Diane (my boss) brought doughnuts...Wes ate a doughnut...Wanted to kill Wes ( i hate being on a diet). Managers talked...tried to pay attention...didn't pay attention...Meeting's over. Went to the bank..deposited my check...seen Danielle (assistant store manager)....she looked adorable in her sunglasses...thought about buying another pair of sunglasses...deposited my check. Came home. Got tanning lotion...went to tan...checked out the giant tan lines on my butt (i really need to do something about those)...Came home...checked the mail...sorted through mail...and then there it was..A LETTER! I wanted to scream with excitement! I actually wanted to do the "we just got a letter" dance from blues clues..lol He's in high spirits there. He's been praying a lot, and absolutely hates saying "yes drill sgt" already.hahaha Good news is that he's praying a lot which tells me that he's getting closer to God. Before he left he had started getting back into his old ways, and that scared me.  I don't have a return address yet, which bums me out...but i know he'll get it to me soon!

I have to start getting ready for work :( I had to write this real fast though :)

Thanks for reading...God Bless!